MS: my secret!

MS. At first, I had no idea what it was. I used to confuse MS with MD. When my doctor first informed me of it. First thing I thought of was Michael J. Fox. But my doctor quickly informed me that what I had was different. On top of that, Michael J. Fox didn’t even have MD. I felt relieved.
Not MD. Michael J. Fox had Parkinson’s. Well. What, is it that I have, Doc?
Devic’s. He thinks. Uuummm. Okay. Well what’s that you ask? My sentiments exactly.
WTF?
My doc explained it to me like this. The problem I was having with my eye was due to Devic’s. The nerves in my eye were bad. And going bad in my spinal cord. Probably. ‘Lets get an MRI.’ He suggests.
I go have the MRI. Results come back. And my doctor does not call me soon enough. I call him and get no answer. I keep calling. And keep getting no answer. Finally. I email him. ‘What’s up? Doc!’
His reply to my email was simple and plain. ‘You don’t have Devic’s.’
I was so happy to read that. I called him right back. He answered, this time. I let him know how happy I was with the news. Even though I had prepared myself for the worst. I could have taken bad news at that time.
And little did I know. Bad news is what he actually had to give me.
‘Yes. It’s not Devic’s. But. Easy, now.’
Easy. Now? What?
Hold up. Hold my phone!
If it’s not Devic’s, that’s great. Right?
‘Well. Yes and no.’ He replied.
‘The MRI shows lesions on your brain. Similar to Devic’s but more inclined to be ‘Multiple Sclerosis.’
Okay. During my brief investigation into this Devic’s disease, I heard of the term Multiple Sclerosis. But. Why, me?
What did I do to deserve this? Karma can not be this bad. Can it?
Was it karma for that BMX bike I stole when I was nine? That boy just didn’t ride it right.
Was it the Bacardi I always skimmed off the top when making my Nana’s drinks? Why you gonna have a toddler play bartender, anyway?
Or was it one of the many hearts I had broken as a young boy? Karma can get you for that!
And now that karma has gotten me back for some dumb stuff I did as a boy. Or even as a younger man. Either way. I’m living with it.
I often appear as normal as the next man. Except I get really tired. Really, really quick. I can’t even play ball like I used to.
I was playing basketball with my sons and my youngest son ran all over me. Up and down the half court. I think I may have even stumbled four or five times.
I just can’t do the things that I used to do.
I can’t even be in the sun for too long. It aggravates my symptoms. Too much sun and heat. Oh boy! A recipe for destruction. Self destruction.
So. Only as recent as a couple of years ago, did I not understand this fully.
It didn’t make sense to me that the things I was doing just a couple of years ago, would be so difficult for me to do today.
Walk down the street. Walk up a few flights of stairs. Run for a bus. Be in the swimming pool or just water, too long.
Yep, take a bath or a shower, then go take a nap. Trying to explain this to someone who doesn’t have MS, that the simple act of taking a shower could be so exhausting, really makes one look crazy and lazy! No, I am NOT lazy, I would gladly walk away from this MS, if I could. I have a life to live, but thanks to MS, I have to live it a lot differently, then I had it envisioned in my mind.
I find I get so angry at the fatigue…. the pain, I can deal with… the fatigue is something else.
I’m always tired. I wake up tired. I stand there doing the dishes. I’m tired. I sit in the car and ride for two hours or more. Fuhgidaboudit. I’m too tired, then.

It’s a New Year!

Well. Twenty fourteen is officially but a mere memory.
I’m hoping that some things don’t make it through to this year. Simply stay forgotten!
Specifically speaking of certain sayings that have become way too popular.
‘Turn down for what?’
Maybe, cause your’re too old to be acting like that.. Pretty damn good reason for you to turn down!
‘You mad or nawl?’
Well. Honestly. I wasn’t mad until you came over talking so stupidly.
‘Cray’ can stay in twenty fourteen. Actually. If you’re not even Kanye west, just freaking fuhgidaboudit!
‘Duh’. Oh please, oh please, oh please. Bury this word. Deep. Deep in the Atlantis!
‘OMG.’
I get how it started. As a shortcut in typing and texting. But. Whoever started speaking it deserves corporal punishment. This is one inventor I would like to go back in time and tase!
‘Deuces’.
My guess is that this one comes from I guess verbally describing the visual of the act in question.
Yeah. My sentiments exactly. Just freaking say peace.
We won’t think you’re a Muslim.

b@!$& vs woman.

Before I get started. I have to say this one thing.
The jokes you are about to hear. May be about women.
But when I refer to b@!$& let’s be clear.
Not every woman is a b@!$&.
So if any of you know my wife, you can tell her that I did the disclaimer.
Because. See, that’s the only reason she let me write this today. I signed a contract that states I won’t include her in my jokes. So, since it’s not that time of the month. I can say b@!$& and not mean my wife, too.
Besides. I would never call my wife a b@!$&. To her face. That’s just incriminating.
Besides. She’s only gonna read this blog to see if I did the disclaimer. After that point. The b@!$& stops reading.
LOL. No that was wrong.
She reads the whole thing.
And. Speaking of b@!$&. Why is it ok for women to call each other b@!$&. And when a man says it. We wrong. We insensitive. We uncivilized. We ain’t getting no nookie that night. ‘Can you leave the lotion on the sink? “‘b@!$&
Real low too. I say that part real low.
Because I don’t want my b@!$& to get mad at me. Because when she mad. It’s the same old thing.
‘Oh. You f’ed up in 1990. Brother. Don’t think I forgot.’
Women hold grudges. Don’t they? I like to tell em. Instead of always holding them damn grudges. Try holding Deez. ‘Holding what?’
Deez nuts!
Then the b@!$& mad all over.
Can’t win for losing!
It’s like these b@!$& is on some other stuff.
Oh. You and your girls can call each other b@!$&. You even get to call me the N-word. But as soon as I say b@!$&.
I’m wrong. I’m insensitive. I’m not getting any nookie tonight.
And speaking of getting nookie. Fellas. If you don’t already know how to drop the B bomb on your b@!$&. Take note.
When you long stroking her from behind. Slap that junk.Pull back and give it one good ram. And ask her. ‘You like that b@!$&?’
I guarantee you. That’ll be the one time you call her b@!$& and no fight.
But I gotta warn you.
This stuff is only for Gz. Long johnson Gz. And if you know you ain’t part of the club. Don’t go home tonight starting no stuff you can’t finish.
I can see one of you small johnson dudes now. Slapping your girl on the junk. And I say your girl. Because she not gonna go for that b@!$& stuff if you have a small Johnson.
Now. She might ignore you the first time. Write it off as you had too much to smoke. But try that shit a second time.
‘You like that stuff. b@!$&?’
She gonna stop pumping. Pull away from your tail. And show you a real
b@!$&!
And see. I ain’t never seen a real b@!$& like that. I just treat her like she a real b@!$& like that.
And then afterwards. I lay there and hold my b@!$&. Me and my b@!$& cuddling. Brother!
b@!$& and women are just different.
Last example.
Ladies. Take note. I’ve done this live before. And every time, I get the same reactions and responses.
It’s 5 in the afternoon. Not yet dark. But it is gray outside.
I’m walking towards you on the same side of the street. Do you cross over to the other side ?
If your answer is no. That’s good. Very. Good. That’s great.
Because if you did cross the street. That would foul up my whole robbery. And I can’t chase a woman down. A b@!$&. On the other hand. I’ll chase a b@!$& down. And beat a b@!$& down. That simple. b@!$& get stitches!

Boy Shorts love em or Hate em.

Fellas. How many of y’all like ur woman wearing boy shorts?
Ok. Wait a minute. How many of y’all know what boy shorts are?
Ok.
Don’t get me wrong. I like them too. I just wish they come up with a new name for them.
Seriously.
It just doesn’t sound sexy.
You know.
Not like thong. Or g string. Or booty shorts, even.
Put it like this. Ladies.
You at home. You got ur lingerie on. You smelling good. You laying across the bed waiting for your man to come out of the bathroom. And he does.
He’s looking good. So good. You start advancing towards him.
Then all of a sudden. This mofo says. ‘You like my new girl shorts?’ ‘Got them just for you. ‘
Sounds like it. Too. Girl shorts?
Tell me your mood doesn’t switch from 100 to zero. Real quick!
According to Wikipedia.
Boy shorts, are a kind of women’s underwear that goes all the way down the hips, named for their similarity in looks to men’s knit boxer shorts.
I don’t know about you, but I don’t want my boxers that tight. And I sure don’t want my woman’s panties looking too much like mine. Some even resemble men’s briefs, complete with fly and contrast trim. Boy shorts often cover most of the buttocks area, therefore keeping privacy at maximum while still having comfort.
I just wish they went back to the ever so popular, simple name. Booty shorts!

Gas Prices

Is it me or is it just coincidence that gas prices have dropped lower since Obama is on his way out of office?

Now, before you go bashing my boy, B, hear me out first.

Gas went up just as Barack was assuming responsibility of the country. The media and the government made it look like it was his fault gas was so high. Doesn’t seem strange to me that near his presidency end, gas prices are so low again. Likeably low. I mean, so low, Barry White would be jealous. Prices are so low, if they had eyes, the gas would be Asian. Catch my drift?

So, now. We have low gas prices, and nobody wants to credit our dear President. Could it be, the government is ashamed of such success. I mean, last election, we were told ‘if we wanted to pay ten bucks a gallon then Obama was our man.’

Well, I’m not the one to gossip. So, please, don’t say you heard it from me. But, this week’s national average is $2.39 per gallon. Hello. Republicans. What gives? LOL.

The Voice

Do you still watch The Voice? If so, do you often wonder ‘where the heck did this singer come from’? I sure do. And I finally figured it out.

All of these new artists. Nine times out of ten, appeared on some show like The Voice.
You probably thought that they were just some overnight sensation, right? Well. Sort of. They spent a season or two climbing their way to the top of The Voice. Then BAM!

Even if they didn’t win, they got a deal somewhere. The major difference is, when they do win. Like recent winner, country singer Craig Wayne Boyd. Yes. The man with two and a half first names. Craig Wayne Boyd won. And as I began to say. When they do win, they get major press. They get promo out the wazoo. They get plastered over magazines, television and YouTube. And you can’t help but love them, at that point. America spoke. And you have to listen. To Craig Wayne Boyd.

So. Needless to say. Craig Wayne Boyd is the latest winner of The Voice. Craig Wayne Boyd is more than an overnight celebrity. America voted for him. Young girls from all over called in to cast their votes. Not for country. Not even for Craig Wayne Boyd. But for the dude with the long hair on team Blake. (No hashtag.)

Because. We all know how much young girls love dudes with long hair. Plenty. And they showed and proved that by voting for the dude with two and a half names.

If your little girl likes long hair, Two and a Half Names will surely put ‘a smile on her face.’ The winner of the seventh season Voice will do just that. I’m not a country music fan, but this dude with two and a half names has a nice few songs out. I, personally, myself, like the song, ‘I Walk the Line’.

And. Because I am my own editor, I’d like to take this opportunity to point out the fact that ‘I, personally, myself’ is a little redundant. It’s really simply three different ways of saying the same thing. In the one same sentence. I, personally, myself, like using it. I always liked hearing it being used. Now, I use it every chance I get. Maybe, Two and a Half Names will make a song of it.

Who Is The Funniest Man Alive, Right Now?

Kevin Hart. Is he truly “the funniest man alive’ right now?
Currently starring in five blockbuster movies. Yes, that’s right. Five. This year alone. Need I mention the list of the dozens of movies he has already appeared in. This may warrant the dubbing of Kevin Hart being ‘the funniest man alive’. Because each and every one of these movies is a knee slapper.
Although, some may even beg to differ that Kevin Hart is even funny enough to be ‘the funniest man alive’. Some might even go as far as to say an unknown comic by the name of Hannibal Burress should be dubbed ‘the funniest man alive’. Minus the movies, the TV show and the fame.
I love both of these comedians. While driving to nowhere, I can easily be found tuned into the Foxxhole, on Sirius XM. And you can bet your bottom dollar, at least once during every one of my drives to nowhere, I will hear one of these two comedians. And LMBAO. Really.
A lot of people do not even know Kevin Hart’s acting experience. They think Kevin Hart just popped out of a comedic ‘Jack in the Box’ and became this funny sensation overnight.
So far from the truth. Two years before the major release of ‘Soul Plane’ there was ‘Paper Soldiers’. Honestly. My favorite Kevin Hart movie ever. If you are anything like my other readers, who have not been blessed with the Kevin Hart introduction, as early as I have. Do yourself a favor. And rent ‘Paper Soldiers’.
At the tender comedic age of 35 and ticking, Kevin Hart has grabbed the attention of this comedy world and refuses to let go.
By
Shane Cooper

Christmas?

Hanukkah. The New Christmas or the Jew Christmas.

I’m not a Jew. Heck. Im not even religious. So, the middle of December always perplexes me. I mean. Everyone around me. At work. At in the gym. My lawyer. They all celebrate Christmas early. And then they restart their celebration on Christmas Eve. Not fair. Kind of greedy, if you ask me. Almost like kwanza. I don’t like that either.

Pick a side. Jew is. Or Jew ain’t. Jew can’t be all up in the club one night. Then, you rocking a yarmulke, burning candles all week. And then there’s kwanza. Don’t even get me started. Almost was for me. But y’all look at me funny that week at work. Like I wasn’t always black. Like this red, black and green scarf is not for warmth. It gets cold in this office. And if Epstein can rock his little hat. I should be able to rock my scarf. No problem!

This country’s full of double standards. I liked it when it was all so simple then. Either, you was with Santa or Satan. Just like that. Ho, ho, ho. Or hell, hell, hell. No in between. No funny, little hats. No red, black and green. Just Santa, snow and sleigh rides.

Now, we got Hanukkah. They can’t even agree on a way to spell it. With a c or without. Eight crazy days. I tell ya. And the food is just horrible. No seasoning. Lots of potatoes and no taste. Oh well. To each his own. I’ll have some turkey, greens, Mac and cheese and a piece of that pie. To start.

And for those of you not in the know.

Hanukkah, also known as the Festival of Lights, is an eight-day Jewish holiday commemorating the rededication of the Holy Temple (the Second Temple) in Jerusalem at the time of the Maccabean Revolt of the 2nd century BCE. Hanukkah is observed for eight nights and days, starting on the 25th day of Kislev according to the Hebrew calendar, which may occur at any time from late November to late December in the Gregorian calendar. Or, simply put, in layman’s terms, currently. In this day and age.

And wouldn’t you know it. Just as the commercializations of Christmas, comes the Dr. Dreidel. A four sided, spinning top. Now, with pictures of Dr. Dre etched in. For the young yous to play with and sing hip hop Hanukkah songs this year. If this sounds a bit far fetched. Feel free to Google it. You’re sure to be amazed. And satisfied to know that your dear old reporter friend, Shane Cooper, does not lie.